So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
