why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
