Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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