mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
