I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
