He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
