So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
