my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
