yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
