It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
