i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
