DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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