Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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