I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
