Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
