I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
