Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
