I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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