You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
