bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
