Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
