I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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