My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
