We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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