i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
