Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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