Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
