He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
