this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
