wanna go halves on a baby?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
