he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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