Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Enjoy the penises
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
