It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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