I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
