Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I believe in your delicious
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