My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
