If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
