I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I can't turn off my feet"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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