He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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