Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
