My liver just broke up with me...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
