so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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