Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
