My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just got carded by a ten year old.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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