hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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