I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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