I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
