ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
