you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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