Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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