I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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